
Shopping used to be how I coped with the negative emotions I experienced in life. I remember the day I dropped $100 at a shop after booking and then losing a dance job. On the day of our first rehearsal, I discovered the director wanted different girls, and I lost the job the same day. The choreographer wasn’t the kindest, to say the least, and offered no ease with this transition. I was heartbroken and devastated. So I called my agent, cried in my car, and went shopping immediately afterwards.
I also shopped when I was bored, needed “inspiration”, had free time, or was struggling with my own insecurities. These insecurities came with the territory in the Hollywood entertainment industry. It’s sad to say, but no one is exempt from the pressures of looking perfect in this business.
Shopping seemed to be the best solution for my emotional instability, but it was only a mask for what I truly needed to focus upon.
When I decided to pay off my $20,000 of debt after getting married, I knew I also needed to dig deeper in terms of why shopping was my addiction. I also needed to determine whether I wanted a temporary solution to my negative emotions or something long lasting. Having new things was only exciting in the moment of collecting them.
When I brought new items home after shopping, they instantly felt dull. That’s why I went shopping again. I was unconsciously making choices with how and why I spent money. I was also driven by sales, pieces that did nothing for my wardrobe, items that made my home appear more cluttered, and beauty products that did nothing for my self esteem.
When you work in entertainment, and also around brands whose goal is to make you feel that you need their products to be happy, sexy, loved, etc., you also get an inside glimpse of some of the marketing propaganda. I’ve seen a lot, experienced a lot, and have witnessed what others view as “oh so glamorous” that really isn’t.
Taking back my power began when I started my journey of simple conscious living.
On this journey I found my own voice versus being a puppet of the entertainment industry or society. It all began with decluttering. I needed to consciously witness how my shopping was manifesting in my home in addition to my finances.
I had a closet full of nothing to wear, my skin was constantly breaking out despite my expensive skin care, my makeup was never quite right, and everyone else except me seemed to be booking more while having it all together. When you really get clear, you begin to see your own bulls*#% as well as the facade that others put on. Everyone deals with emotional/physical traumas and insecurities in life.
While decluttering I put myself on a debt payment plan. I started creating capsule wardrobes, and I began focusing more on beauty from the inside out. I had no idea at the time the extent to which healing my body from the inside out would allow my skin to be free of a five-step skin care regimen, and help my hair grow healthier.
To be completely honest, I started focusing primarily on healing my mental, emotional, and physical body.
The more I healed, the more confident I became. The more I healed, the more I understood my true self worth. The more I healed, the better I felt about myself aside from what I owned. I have friends who have so much more than I, but I don’t feel a need to compare or envy them because I’ve learned to love myself during this journey.
Self love has nothing to do with popularity or how much you have.
If it did your self love would immediately vanish if those two things disappeared. Self love is more about honoring your sense of self and creating necessary boundaries so that others do the same. Once you allow yourself to live by the beat of your own drum, and discover what truly is important in your life, it is nearly impossible to want to go back to your old addictive ways.
My life beyond being a shopaholic began with admitting I had this addiction, taking my power back by decluttering, paying off my debt, then focusing on healing my emotional, mental, and physical body. I shared more on emotional detoxing/decluttering as well as physical detoxing on Minimalist Beauty. I’ve also written about learning how to be your own nutritionist. Proper nutrition will instantly change the appearance of your skin, hair, and body.
Beauty and peace of mind truly do begin from the inside out!
(Image by Dawn Michelle)
Chiara says
Thanks for sharing this part of your journey, it’s very inspiring.
I have a question: if you had to pick one thing that worked the best in healing your skin, what would you pick? Thanks.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Chiara,
Incorporating abundant amounts of raw fruits and vegetables into my diet helped my skin the most. The more my body detoxed the less I’ve had to apply externally for the healing process. My second choice would be using high linoleic oils and soft microfiber cloths simply because at that time when I first learned about high linoleic oils I wasn’t ready to change my diet.
Himawari says
People who go through this type of journey must have similar milestones because I relate so much to all the steps you’ve been through to healing yourself and becoming more free. I’m so happy for you! (And for myself too, for waking up from some of that nonsense I was chained to.)
Lately I’ve been thinking really hard about “insecurity makeup”. I realized I’ve been using makeup to fix perceived flaws rather than to enhance what’s already there. I don’t mean covering up a blemish or anything like that (that’s fine with me) but more like deciding my features weren’t somehow “enough” and using makeup to make them “acceptable”. I decided that even though I’m a natural blonde, my eyelashes and eyebrows should be dark because “obviously” dark eyelashes and eyebrows are just better on some absolute scale of beauty. But putting on loads of mascara and eyebrow stuff is amazingly tedious for me, as well as leading to makeup smears and flakes and messes throughout the day that I would wear on my face unknowingly.
So I stopped cold with all the insecurity makeup nonsense and I’m trying to approach makeup now as something that’s going to complement what’s there and decorate me and make me feel actually beautiful instead of just passing muster.
(I’m not in any way condemning mascara or eyebrow makeup, this is just my story and milestone.) Thanks for the inspiration as always ^_^
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Himawari,
We all go through different forms of choosing between societal standards and creating our own. I have moments when I feel like I’m supposed to wear makeup because of how others respond to the refinement, and other times I don’t even think about it. Embracing ourselves fully no matter what we choose is the journey I think. Thanks so much for sharing this!
ninaframbuesa says
Beautifully written!
It’s funny, but for the majority if my life I have hated shopping for clothes. I think I might write about that in the future. 🙂
Dawn Michelle says
Thank you Ninaframbuesa!
Sandy says
Dawn, this is such an insightful blog post. The shopping was a compensation for some other problems which you were willing to face. Have you found that doing this blog has increased your awareness and addressed the issue of boredom and feelings of insecurity?
I’m just wondering, because your passion for sharing your journey feels so deep.
Thanks once again for such a thought provoking post. It’s timely with the holidays around the corner.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Sandy,
This journey and sharing it has definitely brought so much awareness. I don’t experience boredom anymore and I am often trying to find better ways to maximize my time. I am not the same woman as I was when I started this journey in 2010 and I am beyond grateful. I’m so glad this article resonated with you. I appreciate the compliment!
Stephanie L says
Thank you so much for writing this article Dawn, I have already left a Facebook comment about this but I had to thank you again. I have read and reread this post several times. I am officially a recovering shopaholic. I never realized it about myself but I am! I thought “things” could make me a better person when in reality I needed to let go of my past/things I don’t like and I need to just be me! I too from today forward am going to work on my mind, body, and spirit! I can’t even express how much this article has helped me!!! Thank you Dawn. Please keep writing this blog! You are doing such a wonderful thing for the universe!!
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Stephanie L,
Thank you so much for your comment! I’m thrilled that this article resonated so much with you. I wish you the best with finding your own peace with this. I think a lot of us have experienced this in one way or another. Have an incredible weekend!
Robi says
You sound like such an intelligent lady 🙂 I really enjoyed reading about your journey x
Dawn Michelle says
Thank you Robi! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Have a beautiful day!