Last December I confessed to having the most DIFFICULT year of my life. The reason I struggled more than I imagined had nothing to do with being a new mom, which is what most people would suspect. Instead, it actually had everything to do with me truly learning the meaning of forgiveness.
Forgiveness isn’t something that you are taught. It actually is self learned, and some never learn how to do it at all. It took me a full year to truly understand how to forgive after an experience of what I perceived as pure insanity and lack of compassion.
1. Being Offended Never Works
When I was so deeply hurt by other’s actions, what I perceived as cruelty had actually NOTHING to do with me. Still I was truly offended. The ill behavior was evidence of others reacting to a situation based on their own fear and internal wounds. The problem began when I took it personally.
It is extremely challenging to walk in someone else’s shoes when you feel as if you are being attacked. The truth is that when you are offended by another’s actions, you have taken it personally. Even if the other has intended to hurt you, that person is actually more pained than you are. Hurt people hurt people. Loving people do not.
2. Forgiveness Is Given | Trust Is Earned
Forgiveness is necessary so that you can heal and be free. When you don’t forgive you carry that pain with you forever. Can you imagine carrying a heavy suitcase with you everyday instead of your usual handbag? Now, for every experience that you have not forgiven, let’s just add another heavy suitcase. That’s how holding a grudge feels to your spirit.
Now if you allow forgiveness to come into your life, you have lightened your emotional, spiritual, and physical load. That weight on your heart… GONE. That heaviness on your spirit… LIFTED. That ache in your body… DISSIPATED.
Now just because you have forgiven someone doesn’t mean that you allow them back into your life the way that they were before. Forgive freely, yet they must EARN your trust.
3. Protect Your Heart
We all have something special that we may desire to share with the world, yet we can’t have our arms open to everyone. Some won’t want to see you succeed, and that sadly is the nature of life. It is important to protect your heart and your loved ones from those who do not understand and/or support you.
I don’t believe that we are on this planet to be carbon copies of each other. If we were, we would be very boring. It is our uniqueness that adds spice to life.
Because some will simply not understand where you are coming from, you have the choice to protect your heart from unnecessary judgement and mistreatment. Some will be fine with who you are, but there’s no need to fight others who don’t support you. I’m sure there is something better you can do with your time and energy. How about live your dream!
4. You Can’t Forgive On Your Own
When you feel absolutely devastated by what someone else has done, pray to God to help you forgive. There is NO WAY I could have forgiven myself or others on my own. I honestly felt that what I experienced last year was God providing me with the opportunity to build my relationship with Him. I had neglected it.
I will be 100% transparent by admitting that I at first turned to family, friends, and associates to “help” me through that challenging time, and it backfired. My actions alienated me from a few people, and most likely I just looked down right CRAZY. Pain can make you look crazy, and the average person has no idea what to do, so they run for cover.
My suggestion would be to seek out a qualified therapist or minister to help you, and to PRAY. When you speak words to others that reflect your offended-ness, you only add to your SOUL WOUNDS and the wounds of others. You would think that it would make you feel better, but it doesn’t. I tried. It instead continues a vicious cycle of pain. One trusted professional, and most importantly GOD will be what creates the transformation you need.
5. You Will Know When It Happens
Once I realized that turning to family and friends wasn’t working, I started praying EVERYDAY to become clear on what I was supposed to learn from all of this pain. I rolled my eyes when I realized that I had to learn what forgiveness really meant. Still I prayed non stop. I prayed to God to show me how, and to help me.
One day (mind you it took me a full year) I woke up and I felt different. The heavy burden had lifted. My sunshine had come back, and I felt like myself again. That was the day that I felt LOVE fill me up fully. I give God all the glory. The forgiveness that I had been praying for had finally happened.
No matter what has happened in your life, no matter how dark, ugly, cruel, insane, and painful, you CAN forgive. Your soul is depending upon it. Don’t feel rushed with this process. You will have a different timeline based on what happened and where you are in your life. Just know it is possible to forgive, no matter what.
Lastly, please don’t make my mistake of going to others and sharing your offended words which create more soul wounds. Save your words for love and healing when you are ready, and pray in the meantime.
One Love!
(Image by Dawn Michelle)
Christine Louis-Jacques says
Thank you for your honesty and writing this post. It comes at such a crucial time as I am currently struggling with forgiveness mainly toward myself. I’ve been internalizing pain from my past and the actions of those close to me that have hurt me. My mind keeps replaying what I wish I could’ve said or done to make my reality different. I’ve been trying to practice letting go, however, I am learning in order to do so I must make peace with myself and those individuals. Mediation has been my main tool to connect with source and gain understanding. Some days are not easy, but I believe I will reach that place of complete peace. Wishing you continuous healing & happiness along your journey.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Christine,
I know exactly what you mean by replaying the events in your mind. It’s a broken record of a song you don’t even like. Just know that as long as you are open to healing and forgiveness, and don’t give up, things will have the space to shift. I’m wishing you continuous healing and happiness as well. Thanks for sharing.
Steph L says
Dawn I have struggled to forgive so many people through life. When I reflected on each person and situation I realized the reason I could not forgive was because I had not drawn the lesson I needed from the experience “Life Will Bring You The Same Test Over Again Until You Pass” in all situations I felt I had been insulted I acknowledged as well the reason I could not move forward was that I had not stood up for myself. I have learned now that when someone says something hurtful to speak out and to call them on their behavior. Unfortunately they do not often apologize or acknowledge they have offended but that does not bother me as much as not standing up for myself did.
Best wishes!
Also I read an article on Tiny Buddha about forgiveness being impossible without setting boundaries. Its so true
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Steph L,
It took me sometime to figure out how to create boundaries with others. I’m not one to like conflict. Finding the balance with not being walked all over, or just going off can be challenging. After awhile I did find my own balance. I made a few mistakes along the way, but I did figure some things out too.
Still there are some people that no matter what boundary you to try to establish will still try to push their way over yours no matter what. I don’t allow those people to stay in my inner circle. It becomes emotionally abusive in one way or another otherwise.
Just know you are worthy to be treated nicely by others. Be nurturing to yourself during this process and I know you will find your way. Forgiveness is still possible if you are open to it.
Lindsey says
Great article and great perspective. Forgiveness was a painful, yet necessary lesson for me as well in 2017. You’re right in that hurt people, hurt people and instead of keeping this in mind, I would just shut down and cut people off. But like you, that became difficult because no matter how you respond (whether it is looking to others like you did, or shutting down like I did), unless you have truly forgiven, it is still an extra bag added to your soul’s load. And it all results in the same thing – negativity.
I swayed in whatever direction people’s energy took me and it was exhausting. Like a tree blowing wherever the wind decided to take me, with little to no control whatsoever. And like you I looked to God and the Universe to help me find a way out and the answers came when I was genuinely ready to receive them. It was right then that I decided that nobody was responsible for my emotions but me and I was going to remain steadfast in who I was as a person, despite what someone else was doing or saying. Folks are going to give you a lot of stuff in this world. And instead of reacting to every single thing, I just maintain the only thing I can control – me. The world looks totally different now and for the first time, I’m starting to truly feel free.
Love will always (not sometimes, but always) overrule anything negative, which is God’s greatest, most underutilized gifts to humanity. And if somebody’s negative spirit was enough to create negativity within me (and most other people for that matter), then my positive spirit should be even more influential on others. If any seed was going to be planted, it was going to be a positive one. We tend to reach for those negative seeds to base a reaction off of instead of utilizing a seed that’s far more powerful and influential. Not only did Love completely dissipate the negativity, but ultimately I was able to transcend the emotional hangups and remain unmoved in a world where emotions run wild. And to your point, that doesn’t mean that you allow for people in your lives in the same way, but when you’re mean spirited, just know you will be met with Love and compassion (a byproduct of Love) first, and will then be handled accordingly next.
I appreciate this article and I appreciate you and your blog. One (out of many) things that shine about you is your humility. You aren’t afraid to admit when you’re wrong, when you’ve done something, or tried something that you may have perhaps changed your mind on. It takes strength to do that to yourself and others, let alone for the world to see. That humility seems to expedite your growth.
Cheers!
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Lindsey,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for your comment. Love is definitely an underutilized tool. I also like that you wrote to approach conflict with love first then to to handle things accordingly after.
Love is not a weakness. It is actually stronger than anger and insanity. Not allowing your emotions to dictate every action is also very powerful. Everyone has both positive and negative emotions. It is what you do with them that counts.
misslee says
I lost a friend trying to be honest with them. I’ve been trying to figure out if I should get a therapist or speak with my family about the above topic along with other issues. I never felt peace about the latter, your words were a sort of confirmation. Thank you.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Misslee,
I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. Yet I am glad that by me sharing my experience you have found confirmation for yourself. It was a hard lesson for me last year, but I am much clearer that it is better to keep certain aspects of your personal life to yourself. Seeking out a therapist or minister who is qualified to help is much better than venting to someone who has no wisdom to give you. Wishing you the best with everything that you do.
Janine says
Yesss, Dawn, you are correct about not going to friends or family during life situations like the one you experienced.
I realized this late last year. Thankfully, I’ve found a way to connect with a therapist and I’m excited to see how she can assist me in moving forward successfully. I realized that the only person I needed to forgive…was myself. To successful living…
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Janine,
Self forgiveness is often overlooked, but I do feel it is a very important part of any healing journey. Wishing you the very best!
Sandy says
After going through something similar, it took a while before I saw my own contribution to a misunderstanding with a close associate.
For a while I blamed them for a seemingly hurtful response which caught me by surprise one day. It took months before I saw how my past behaviors were part of the problem.
It hurt to realize I hadn’t been authentically myself with them, at times. Now I deeply understand the saying: “when you know better, you do better.” A part of me wanted to believe they knew every thing about me. Upon more soul searching, I realized this wasn’t true. I wanted their approval so I sent confusing messages.
Thankfully forgiveness is present in this space. However it’s up to a higher power to determine where things go from here. But now my soul is free.
I also learned a valuable lesson: In the short term, it’s better to be honest with your feelings, even if others disagree. It’s less painful than doing so later.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Sandy,
I love that you brought this point up. It is important to understand not just what you feel has happened to you, but also where you play a part in the whole picture. Letting go and letting God does allow freedom just as you said too. Thanks so much for sharing this!
Joselyn says
Great post about forgiveness and pain. Forgiveness is definitely a tough lesson to learn but is crucial in order to live one’s best life. Our painful experiences, although tough to endure, have the greatest impact on who we are and our personal development. If are courageous enough to confront and deal with the pain, rather than bury it, we can grow exponentially as human beings.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Joselyn,
Our painful experiences definitely mold us. Forgiveness allows this transformation to be a positive one. Thank you for your beautiful comment!
Himawari says
Hi, Dawn Michelle. I don’t know how anyone could treat you badly. Clearly it’s something inside them. I’ve also learned the painful lessons on who I can confide in and who will back away from me so this post really spoke to me. I’m so happy for you, that you were able to achieve this spiritual lightness. You deserve to be so free and full of joy! Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Dawn Michelle says
Hi Himawari,
Thank you for your kind words. It definitely feels much better to be on the other side of things now. I am so grateful for the experience as it has helped me grow so much.